Stupid People Rule!!

If you are one of those freaks who lives vicariously through felons and follows trials on TV, you know that this past week, one of George Zimmerman’s defense attorney’s, Don West, opened his defense argument with the following:

Know Knock?
Who’s there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman, who?
You’re on the jury.

And then, later this past week Don West’s daughter Molly, posted a picture of Esquire Don and his other daughter, the slightly more than mildly hot Rachel West, on the internets. The trio seemed to certainly be enjoying the sucking and licking of their ice cream cones of stupidity.

What does all of this tell us?

Something we already knew, yet are constantly reminded of on a daily basis…

People are stupid!!

I know, I know…many of us knew that.  Many of us know that even we are on occasion, kinda stupid, but here’s the thing…I’m talking about folks who are in government…or a position of power…or a person who addresses the masses through the media.

Don’t you think Attorney West could have told his daughter, or better yet, she on her own, would have the aforethought to not post a picture like that on the internet during the opening of the trial?

The West family refers to this Friday ice cream eating tradition as, the ice cream cone of stupidity, and well…they nailed that one.

Stupid, just plain stupid coming from the family of an attorney trying the biggest trial going to day, and then?

We have Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX)…who upon hearing that the Supreme Court struck down DOMA immediately invoked the word of GAWD Almighty throug the teachings of Solomon…

"I think polygamy is wrong, bigamy is wrong, and it's a crime in many places -- but how will that be justifiable now that the court has removed this [DOMA]?  There's some [who] believe polygamy is a way to go….You know, King Solomon, many -- including me -- believe was the wisest man who ever lived…Of course, then he had too many wives, and that [will] always mess up anybody's wisdom."

Loony Louie while attempting to let the words of God pass through his lips, managed to insult and belittle Jewish Mormons and tie gay marriage to the evils of polygamy that were the downfall of King Solomon and Brigham Young.

And then, and THEN!!  Last week, Paula Deen, in efforts to keep hold of her vast, yet quickly crumbling media empire, was stupid enough to think that common folk were stupid enough to buy her non-tearful, Jimmy Swaggart-type mea culpa on the TODAY Show.

But…there was a big difference between Swaggart’s apology and that of Paula Deen’s.  Jimmy admitted that he sinned, and Paula?  She just wants those of us who are without sin to hit her in the head with a rock.  And let me tell ya, if I was without sin, I would find the biggest boulder in the world and crush her cranium until it was nothing but…butter.

Poor, clueless, and stupid Paula Deen, she is still living in the 60’s…the 1860’s.

People of financial worth, positions of governmental power, and litigational libido, prove every day that they too can be as stupid as the rest of us peons.

And really?  We don’t need that.  We need people to look up to.  We need people who give us something to shoot for.  We need heroes.

Sadly, as we approach yet another Independence Day, our forefathers, builders of American capitalism, and rebellious scalawags seem more and more impressive, because well…

Our “leaders” of today both public and private, are nothing more than self-involved, self-serving idiots, and to be truthful, so is a sizable cross-section of the American public.

Of course…a few folks who are not idiots did a radio show yesterday.  Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang celebrated American Independence yesterday.  They celebrated the greatness of leaders past, and did so, with the hottest and most articulate lesbian in the world, Angie!!

Angie was as always, awesome, as were Kirk Douglas, Buddy Acapella, Bobby Kraft, and Paul Piatt.  If you missed the hilarity LIVE, you can listen to it right here:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page

Red, White and Babe of the Week

The IWS Babes of the week are super sexy, talented and patriotic All-American babes!

1. Katy Perry

2. Rachel Bilson

3. Jamie Chung

4. Janet Jackson

And of course, America’s Sweetheart Kathy Griffin

Speaking of being a Great American be sure to catch “Drunk on History” at 12 Noon ET on I’m With Stupid! 

Matt Said, Jay Said...1776

Matt-Man town cries…Jayman pamphleteers…You, toss Orange Pekoe into Boston Harbor.

Jay:  Hello Schmoop; it’s Jay.
Schmoop:  Hello Jay…Here’s Matt.
Matt: Hi Jayman, how is your evening?
Jay:  Not bad and yours?
Matt:  Pretty Good.

Jay:  I was thinking about this Sunday’s show.
Matt:  And?
Jay:  We should do an American History Show since the 4th of July is fast upon us.
Matt:  That’s a great idea.

Jay:  I thought so.
Matt:  We could talk about our fave founding fathers, least fave Presidents, and fave Commanders-in-Chief.

Jay:  Damn right.  Bobby Kraft could talk about famous battlefields like Pea Ridge.
Matt:  Buddy Acapella could sing our National Anthem.
Jay:  I could talk about many historical things because I’ve been known to turn a bitch.
Matt:  That’s hot.
Jay:  IKR?

Matt:  We could also update today’s news.
Jay:  Damn right.  Slyder could give an update on the tragically funny news about Aaron Hernandez.
Matt:  Poor dude.  Had it all, but blew it like a bad tire.
Jay:  Maybe Paul Piatt?  Is he patriotic?
Matt:  More than you think!!

Jay:  Hmmmmmmm…
Matt:  Lot of cookouts coming up this week, maybe Kirk Douglas could give us a weather report.
Jay:  If he’s still alive, he will.

Matt:  Man, our Drunk on History show is going to be great!!
Jay:  I know right!?

Matt:  Hey!?
Jay:  What?
Matt:  Something weird just happened.
Jay:  What’s that?

Matt:  We actually discussed what we are going to do on Sunday’s show.
Jay:  Holy Independence; we actually did!!

Matt:  After nearly three years on the air, are we growing up and becoming mature?
Jay:  Oh Hell No.
Matt:  Why do you say that?
Jay:  Because after nearly 237 years, Congress hasn’t grown up.
Matt and Jay:  Heyyyyyyy-ooooooooo.

Matt:  Annnnnnd Jayman, Angie will be on to discuss the SCOTUS DOMA ruling and Prop 8!!
Jay:  That’s HOT.

Matt: This is going to be a jam packed show.
Jay:  Damn right and I hope people call-in at 661.244.9852
Matt:  Exactly, and listen to us by clicking HERE

Jay:  See you on the radio this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET.
Matt:  And unto you, I say the same….

To catch Jay and Matt LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET you can click HERE.

A Safe Place to Be Yourself and Do Your Thing

Hola! So yesterday, a day which will live in infamy, Matt-Man got to strike something off of his Bucket List. He finally got to do an N-Word post. Okay, I’m kidding. Kinda. Anyway, that satirical post accomplished its primary goal. Lots and lots and lots of page views! Hell yeah! *Hi-5’s Matt virtually*

There were a few people who didn’t enjoy that post though. No really! Some people found that post to be in poor taste or thought it was unnecessary to use the N-Word and blah, blah, blah. Well look, would I have written that post? OH HAIL NAW! Not on your life. But, that doesn’t really matter cause this blog here is a safe place for Matt, me or anyone else who is posting to speak honestly and post whatever they want.

This includes a satirical posts from Paula Deen.

This is primarily a humor/comedy blog. Matt-Man and I are both free to post whatever we want here. We don’t stop each other from talking about any topic or anything else, nor should we. Too many people censor themselves on their own damn blogs because they’re afraid they’re gonna upset someone or offend people or whatever. I've been known to do that myself. We shouldn’t be doing that.

Your blog is the only place where you will ever be totally free to be yourself, or anyone else you want to be. Even if you want to be Racist Paula Deen.  Back in the day I did a post on my old blog where I blasted Elizabeth Edwards that resulted in someone calling me a “pig” in the comments section and then telling me “I hope you get cancer and die!” Okay, fair enough. I like it when people speak their mind.

Having said that, I don’t always agree with Matt and he doesn’t always agree with me. I don’t always like what he posts and he doesn’t always like what I post. I’m sure there are times when Matt rolls his eyes at how hard I work to find a way to post a pic of a hot Asian babe even though it doesn’t really fit with what the blog was about. That’s perfectly acceptable.

So, why am I bringing this up? Well, I‘ll tell ya why. Whenever you happen to read a post here that you fine offensive or upsetting we most definitely want you to let us know. It’s a little odd that the only time we get any feedback from people is when they aren’t happy, but that’s okay. We very much respect your opinions and beliefs as long as you respect ours.

Yesterday, I got a few messages and emails from people who thought Matts’ post was in bad taste that thought we shouldn’t allow the “N-Word” on the blog. Plus a comment on a pic posted to the official IWS Facebook Fan Page. But, I dismiss that cause it came from a guy who I know to be a raging fucking hypocrite. I have no doubt Matt has also heard from people who either don’t like me or don’t think I’m funny or are bitter middle-aged white women who are jealous of hot, petite, sexy and exotic Asian babes. I’m just guessing on that last part. Point is you can't always make everybody happy and you can always worry about people's sensibilities. 

The people who had something to say about Matt’s post did so nicely and without name calling or rudeness or over the top OMG I’M SO OUTRAGED crap. I really appreciate that. But, there is one thing Matt and I would like to request of people who feel strongly enough about something to email and express their feelings.

Please make sure you direct your comments to the person who actually wrote the post.

That’s really all we ask and we think that’s more than fair. Seriously, we put our name on the posts ya know.Thanks for your cooperation.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Paula Deen Does Not Hate Niggers

Hey Y’all!!  Paula Deen here, guest blogging for iwsradio.com today.

Why am I writing on the glorious pages of the IWS Radio website, y’all ask?

Well…It’s part of my racially charged rhetoric rehabilitation process.  I have apologized on You Tube.

Yesterday I somewhat, but not really, apologized for my bigoted invectives on the Today Show with Matt Lauer, and today?

Here I am on I’m With Stupid in all of my repentant, resplendent, and buttery glory coming to you in the wrote down fashion type a thing.

For the next forty days and forty nights, that began with the aforemended You Tube thing, I am going to appear on every type of media outlet that will have me, in order to apologize and/or defend myself.

I’m calling my hurried and harried media mea culpa blitz…

Paula’s Incredible Edible Regrettable Tour™ !!

Let me tell you folks.  I have only used the word, nigger once in my life, and that was when I was describing, to my husband mind y’all, the assailant who put a gun to my head during a bank robbery.

I was shaken and stirred and knew not what I was saying, and y’all know what?

When I think about it, it would have been better if I had called the guy with the gun to my head, a nigger, because if I had, I would probably be dead and not have to suffer the unwarranted and hurtful stones being cast upon me by the media and public opinion.

People are out to destroy me, because they are jealous of my success.  People like Lisa Jackson who say that I created a hostile work environment full of racial jokes and pornography.  I have even been attributed to saying the following:

What…on…Earth?

How could I have said that…I would never go for something like that.  I mean c’mon y’all…

Long sleeves and bow ties with shorts?  That’s just a stupid look!!  They would have to wear pants!!  No self-respecting, tap dancing, wait staff jigaboo tap dances in shorts!!

Listen y’all…My culinary media empire is strong.  I built my success upon a foundation of sturdy, high cholesterol, and deep fried blocks.  I didn’t build the foundation of my industry success upon the shakiness of a bunch of niggers in a woodpile.  Although…

I was the one who got Patrick and Gina Neely their own show on The Food Network, so maybe I did have a couple of darkies in the foundational mix, but listen…

I love Patrick and Gina so much, and they are black mind you, that I had my friend and ceramics guy Jim “Butterfingers” Vogel, form and bake me up a couple of little statues of the Neelys, which are always on display atop my kitchen table, as you can clearly see…

It's as though they are both holding giant doughnuts in their hands...Uh-huh, y’all…Who’s the racist now!!?

And let me tell you before I go…

After I moved out of mammy and pappy’s and got my first real job....One of the first things I did was buy a dog for protection.  He was strong, always alert, and a very well-hung dog.  And do y’all know what I named him?

Shaft.

This was even during the George Wallace years.  If that ain’t showing love for my bruthas and sistahs, I don’t know what is.

Thanks for having me here today on I’m With Stupid, now if you’ll excuse me, I am off to have a well earned meal of fried chicken, collard greens, and watermelon with Darius Rucker.  He’s such a get-a-longer, go-a-longer.

What?  No worries...Darius is one of those "tame ones."

Best Dishes to You,

Paula Deen

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page



Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Greetings From Edward Snowden in Russia

Hola and привет comrades! Edward Snowden coming to you live from Moscow’s Sheremetyevo International Airport!  I’m checking in with everyone via I’m With Stupid’s blog because I know many of you guys out there are worried about me, and more than a few are hoping I die of vodka poisoning. I just want to let everyone know that I’m doing just fine hanging out here at the airport. I love airports. There’s so much to see and do here.

I'm already looking forward to having a hot, sticky Cinnabon first think in the morning. I’m addicted to those  things. This evening I had a delicious meal at the Applebee’s of pirozhki filled with some kind of meat-like substance and, I think, cabbage accompanied by a blini filled with strawberry jam. Just like home!! And of course, there was plenty of vodka. In fact, I might be drinking some vodka as I write this guest post here on IWS.

I’ve also spent a lot of time in the gift shop reading gossip magazines. I know you’re wondering if I was surprised by the Paula Deen scandal and I have to say “Hello? I’ve read her emails, remember?” In fact, just who is this mystery person who alerted the National Enquirer to this story? Hmmmmm

I’m also reading a couple of good romance novels. I don’t know how old they are, but they both have Fabio on the cover. I started to read some Robert Ludlum, but that shit hit a little too close to home, if you know what I mean.  I’ve also spent a lot of time listening to IWS Radio. Man, that NSA Employment ad just killed me! I was laughing so hard everyone was looking at me funny.

A lot of people have asked why I went to Hong Kong. That’s easy! I have a thing for Asian chicks. I’m not really that complicated of a guy. Asian chicks are just so damn cute and sweet and loving. I was really looking forward to being granted asylum and settling down with a petite Asian hottie and living the good life somewhere in Asia not called “North Korea” but, it wasn’t to be.

Why Ecuador now? Again, it’s very simple. If I can’t have an Asian chick, and thanks to the Hong Kong

government I guess I can’t, then my next choice is a Latina. Plus, I’ve always wanted to visit the Galapagos Islands and play with the Giant Tortoises there. You know those things can live 150 years or more? Crazy!

Am I a hero or a traitor? Well, if you’re a hot Asian or Latina, I’m definitely a hero. More of an international man of mystery really. I’m a notorious sexy American spy who stole … I mean, obtained a lot of sensitive intelligence documents and leveraged them into a pretty nice life of leisure. If you’re anybody else, I guess I’m just a man who was shocked … SHOCKED I TELL YOU … at the atrocities OUR government was committing in terms of invading the privacy of American citizens! That was truly my only motivation. The truth shall set you free, amirite?

Okay, so maybe I turned some of those intelligence secrets over to the Chinese government. It’s not my fault though. I thought they were going to provide me with $10,000,000 USD (and an Asian hottie) in exchange for the information. You can understand how tempting that was, right? Anyway, all I got for it was a coach ticket on Aeroflot to fucking Moscow. I was soooo bummed. The bastards double-crossed me! You just can’t trust anybody these days.

Did I also share intelligence info with the Russians? I’m still alive aren’t I? Seriously, there wasn’t even a discussion about it. I’ve seen plenty of movies and I know what they Rooskies are capable of. Besides, Putin likes to poison people … Allegedly. Doesn’t sound like a good way to go to me.

So, now everyone is updated on my well-being. Thanks to Matt and Jay for letting me post here. Sorry I hacked into Blogger and posted without telling you guys first. It’s an old habit.  Anyway, if anyone needs to contact me give my homeboy Jayman a holla. He’ll get in touch with me. I better go before the Taco Bell closes. This vodka really gets to me fast.

“Rossia - sviashennaia nasha derzhava,
Rossia - lubimaia nasha strana!
Moguchaia volia, velikaia slava -
Tvoio dostoianie na vse vremena! ….”

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

P.S. Jay, you should probably delete a couple of those pics off your phone before you accidentally forward them to the wrong people. Just sayin’. 

Miller Brewing, Coors Brewing, and IWS Radio...A Tasty Match Made in Marketing Heaven

Happy Tuesday Chuckleheads!!

I hope that if you are currently staring down the business end of the heat and humidity gun of Mother Nature as we are here in Springfield, Ohio, you are muddling through the climatological (well, it’s a word now) steam bath comfortably.

It was pretty sultry here yesterday.

It wasn’t incredibly hot temp wise, 88 or so…but the humidity was high as well, which made for a yeast breeding, Gold Bond powder applied to the nether regions type of day for me at the Beer Mine.

Even though it was but a Monday, hundreds of folks, both over worked and out of work, dwelling within the Greater Bagwine Metroplex, drove through the Beer Mine (located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. across from Donato’s in Springfield, Ohio) delightfully demanded to purchase beer in order that their whistles might be whetted.

As a loud, proud, and sassy employee of said Beer Mine, I happily slung unto those with a powerful thirst, 30 Packs of Milwaukee’s Best Light, 6 Packs of Mickey’s Malt Liquor, and of course, 12 packs of Miller Lite and Coors Light.

And yes, in full disclosure…I sold plenty of beer put out by that other heavyweight in the field of beermanship that is now owned by a bunch of Belgian buttheads, whom I refer to as, “AB.”

If beer made with rice, makes you feel nice…then AB beer is your brand.  Whatever…and uuch!!

But…I digress.

All of the aforementioned beers are put out by MillerCoors, and let me tell you…

My number one fave beer is Mickey’s.  My number two beer and which runs the day to day operation of my liver, is Milwaukee’s Best Light, but due to the heat and the workout that our customers put me through yesterday?

After the work day was done, I needed to taste some of my friend and my mistress, so I bought two 24 ouncers of my ab fab favorite beer, Steel Reserve.

Steel Reserve is the kick ass-est of the High Gravity beers.  It is smooth, tasty, yet maintains the kick of what a high gravity beer should have.

That other brewery that I mentioned?  AB?  They too make a High Gravity beer.  It’s called Hurricane…They should have named it Tropical Depression, because it is weak and tastes like the runoff from a lackadaisical storm surge full of carp.

Steel Reserve is where it’s at my friends.  And you know what?

I think IWS Radio and MillerCoors make a good match.  I think they should advertise on our show and our website.  I mean, hell, between the two IWS venues, we reach some 75,000-90,000 people a month.

We have a Facebook and Twitter account that reaches thousands more, and…

Jayman and I not only love and drink their products, I sell them everyday!!  It’s a perfect marketing storm, and a win-win!!

If they were to come up with a paltry $3,000 we could advertise for them for an entire year.  IWS could go super premium on BTR, AND have money left over for giveaways promoting our show, website, and their products.

I think I am on to something, and let me tell you why.

I came up with this idea while drinking Steel Reserve, and you know why?

Because just like the 211 logo on the can, when I drink Steel Reserve, my IQ goes from 150 to 211 by the second sip.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt-Man on Facebook

Help With Facebook Comments

Hola y’all! You know, social media can be pretty complicated, especially Facebook. Some people post so often and such a variety of stuff that sometimes you just don’t know what to say in the comments. Sure, the vast majority of the time all you need to do is “like” someone’s status update, but sometimes it’s necessary to actually say something.

So, I’ve decided to make a list of comments that you can just copy and paste as needed. This way you don’t have to stop and think of something to say and can keep on scrolling and sending out game requests…

- FAKE!

- Oh BullSHIT!

- Eww

- Well if it’s on the internet, it MUST be true.

- How YOU doin’ huh baby?

- LOL!

- My deepest condolences to you and your family.

- Outstanding! You really nailed the contrast on that one.

- People! They’re the worst!

- What a cute kid!

- You're a hot mess! 

- Congrats!

- WTF is wrong with him/her? (Editor’s Note: You’ll almost ALWAYS use “him” in this reply.)

- Oh that’s a bummer!

- That looks delicious!

- Woo-Hoo!

- That’s hot.

- Nice legs.

- Way to go!

- Loser

- You know what? Fuck you!

- Passive aggressive post is passive aggressive.

- HA! Well done!

- Nice Ass

- Fuck that.

- I love you.

- It’s always something, isn’t it?

- Do I know you?

Well, there you go. This should cover most situations for ya. You’re welcome.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, on IWS we talked about travelling, road trips, summer fun and more this week! We also checked in with Party Marty up in Put In Bay, Ohio, Billy the Kid down at the Beer Mine, and then a special call from Seal Coat Guy! Totally check out the Ratchet Summer Show!

Listen to internet radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Babe of the Week...We Go Goo-Goo for The Go-Go's

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang will be on the air LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio celebrating summertime fun, and few people exemplify and personify summertime fun more than the Go-Go's...

First up, the sultry singer who knows how to fondle a microphone, Belinda Carlisle...

Supplying the hot licks on lead guitar is Charlotte Caffey.  Talk about a sexual fret...

Who's got the beat?  Drummer Gina Schock gots the beat.  She can beat me anytime she'd like...

Every band needs a soulful rhythm guitarist and diminutive dominatrix Jane Wiedlin, can stroke the strings...

Bassist Kathy Valentine could be my Valentine every day of the year.  She is just...plain...sexy...

Put these hot babes together and what do you get?  A wet and smokin' hot vacation...

And that is what Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio will be doing today...Celebrating vacations and all things summer. So listen to IWS Radio LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.  It's going to be funny, exciting, and HOT just like summer and just like your hosts.

You can catch all the hilarity by clicking HERE and as always, you can call in at 661.244.9852. 

Matt Said, Jay Said Uno Dos Tres Cuatro

Matt talks, Jay talks, You listen.

Schmoop: Hiaya!
Jay: Huh .. Uh … What are you wearing?
Schmoop: A t-shirt .. AND NOTHING ELSE!
Jay: Whoa!
Schmoop: Hello?
Jay: *heavy breating*
Schmoop: Are you there?
Jay: *grunts* …. *more heavy breating*
Schmoop: Uhhhhhh … What are you doing??
Jay: What?
Schmoop: What were you doing sicko?
Jay: What? I dropped my pen and couldn’t reach it.
Schmoop: Oh, okay. Here’s Matt
Matt: Cheers!
Jay: Hola!
Matt: How’s you?
Jay: Excellent! How’s you?
Matt: *sigh* It’s been a rough week. Rough TWO weeks actually.
Jay: I know it has Pookie.
Matt: Thank you for your support.
Jay: You’re totally welcome.

Jay: Hey! Kim and Kanye named their kid … Matt: Stop.
Jay: North!
Matt: Stop!
Jay: No really, they named it North West.
Matt: Maybe the full name is Northby North West 
Jay: Or North South Easton West
Matt: Maybe actual FULL name is Pacific North West?
Jay: I guess there’s always Westby North West too.
Matt:
Jay: You there?
Matt: Are we done with these people?
Jay: Yeah
Matt: Then I’m here.
Jay: Oh, okay then.

Matt: Why do I have David Carradine in my notes?
Jay: Shit, I don’t know.
Matt: It had to have something to do with the show.
Jay: Oh you wrote him down in your SHOW NOTES!
Matt: Well yeah, I’m a professional, you know?
Jay: True. I guess we talked about Erotic Asphyxiation or Thai Hookers.
Matt: That doesn’t sound like us at all.
Jay: IKR? Maybe Kung-Fu TV show?
Matt: That show was a classic!
Jay: Totally!
Matt: But that couldn’t be it.
Jay: Hmmm … Well I got nothing then.
Matt: Strike David Carradine off the list then!
Jay: OHHHHH! Vacation activities.
Matt: Really? THAT was one of the vacation activities we talked about?
Jay: Well, there were other things too.
Matt: God, I hope so.

Jay: So that’s what we’re talking about this week right?  Matt: Deviant sex acts?
Jay: No, vacations and summer
Matt: Right! Summer celebration and stuff.
Jay: Yeah, the Ratchet Summer Show
Matt: What does “ratchet” mean.
Jay: Not really sure, but the kids use that word all the time.
Matt: Is it something like “off the hook?” or “Cray-Cray?”
Jay: Yeahhhhh .. Something like that, but more dirty and nasty.
Matt: Oh. Well okay then. We’ll do it for the kids.
Jay: And the ratings.
Matt: Mostly the ratings.
Jay: So summer vacations
Matt: Local tourist attractions!
Jay: Road trips and roadside attractions!
Matt: Family vacations as when we were kids.
Jay: Oh yeah.
Matt: Summer activities.
Jay: Places we would like to go!
Matt: OH … Something else I have to do!
Jay: Okay, I’ll wait.
Matt: No on the show! A Slim Whitman tribute.
Jay: Well of course!
Matt: Definitely.
Jay: Also Poet’s Corner?
Matt: Oh hell yeah.
Jay: And maybe some tourism related sponsors.
Matt: Brilliant!
Jay: And a Summer Move Blockbuster!
Matt: Can’t wait!
Jay: Oh yeah, we’re ready for greatness!
Matt: Always!

Be sure to listen to the Ratchet Summer Show on I’m With Stupid Sunday at 12 Noon ET!! It’s gonna be HUGE! 

I Love Summer!!

Y’know?  Today is the first full day of Summer, and we are gonna have some fun, in fact…

The other day, a post that Jayman wrote reminded me of a good time summer time dream that I had had some years ago.

And please…allow me to tell to tell you how it all went down..

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a first, kinda summer day, and …

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout during the summer.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.

While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…
Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second, and that in itself, is pretty God Damn brilliant…and funny.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook page

Rhiannon, Rihanna, Rianna ... What's in a Name?

Hola y’all! As you may or may not recall, the last time I was at the barber shop the wife of a guy getting a haircut told us all about her meth-addicted father who had a sex change operation. IKR?!  Well, this trip didn’t disappoint as in the end I heard something while not as salacious as a meth-addicted sex change operation, it was no less shocking.

But first, a little drama ….

When I walked through the door I saw that there were only two barbers working as once again, their third had up and quit on them. Both were busy with customers who looked like they had just gotten into the chairs. In addition to that, there were two people already waiting. Right off the bat I realized that it could be anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour before it would be my turn. I decided to stay though because what the hell, I was already there and I wouldn’t really go back later in the day anyway.

Luckily, they have a big flat screen TV set up with the Andy Griffith Show running so I was at least being entertained.  Just after the two men who were ahead of me got into the chairs a man came in with his little son. So, the three of us sat there and laughed at Barney Fife’s whacky antics and had a great time.  Unfortunately, when a chair opened up there was a near confrontation.

The dad and I stood up at the same time and he tried to jump in front of me. I stopped at leveled the Jayman Death Stare™ at him and he quickly and meekly put up his hands and said “Oh I’m sorry, that’s right, you were next. That’s right.”  Uh-huh.

See? I know what he actually wanted to do. He wanted for him and his son to get their haircut at basically the same time. Had he politely asked me if I would mind if they did that, even though I had already been waiting an hour, I would have said yes. I would have been more than happy to watch one more episode of Andy Griffith and wait. Instead of going the polite and decent route, he tried to cut in line and bully me. No dice buddy!

Anyway, after the usual exchange of niceties and a brief discussion of my hair desires, Brenda began to quietly and efficiently cut my hair. The only time she said anything was when she sighed and let me and everyone else know that she was REALLY ready for lunch.

Then, she mentioned again that she was hungry and was hoping that her husband and daughter Rianna would be there soon to take her to lunch. Just to make conversation, I asked her if she named her daughter after the Stevie Nicks (of Fleetwood Mac) song “Rhiannon.” She stopped cutting and said …

“No, but you know what? I’ve had other people ask me that same question and it’s funny because before they did I HAD NEVER HEARD OF STEVE NICKS OR HIS BAND.”

But wait! That’s not all. She then looked right at me with a rather confused look on her face and said “Not only that, but just the other day someone asked me if I had named her after the pop singer Rihanna and I had never heard of her either.”  

She then explained that when the kid was born and they filled out the paperwork they were going to name her “Brianna” but at the last second decided to “drop the B and just go with ‘Rianna’”

So there you go kids, another amazing and rather shocking story from the barber shop. I’m thinking about going weekly just for the blog fodder.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS