Matt Says, Jay Says: 1-900 Phone Sex Numbers

Matt worries.  Jay is calm.  You don’t care either way.

Matt:  Hiya Chuckles.
Jay:  Hola big boy and Happy Wednesday to ya; what be the haps?
Matt:  The haps?
Jay:  Yeah.  What’s going on with ya?
Matt:  I’m standing here in my underwear with a T-Shirt on because it’s 62 in December.
Jay:  That’s gonna change soon.

Matt:  I know.  Big snow this Friday.
Jay:  Mother Nature is such a cunt. We’re gonna get hammered down here on Thursday.

Matt:  Such are the seasons.
Jay:  I know right?

Matt:  I was thinking…
Jay:  That’s always a positive step to self-reclamation…
Matt:  Ha, funny…I was thinking…Y’know…you and I talk every Sunday to millions.
Jay:  Pffffff….to tens of millions.

Matt:  I know right, and yet we don’t get paid for it.
Jay:  I know…It’s like one of the greatest injustices of the twentieth whatever century we’re in.

Matt:  Exactly, but…What if we had someone on who actually did get paid pretty well just to talk to people?

Jay:  You mean like a psychologist?  A Priest?  Or perhaps, a very convincing heroin pusher?
Matt:  Noooooooo…How about a former 900 Sex Line Operator?
Jay:  Be still my recently organically fed heart…That would be awesome!!
Matt:  I know right!?

Jay:  Do we know one?
Matt:  We do and her name is Candice.
Jay:  Oh hell yeah, Candice…I forgot about her.  She would be awesome!!

Matt:  She could talk about how she happened to get into the phone sex industry.
Jay:  She could talk about what the conversations were like.
Matt:  She could talk about how it affected her emotionally.
Jay:  She could lie talk about how I never ever called her.

Matt:  This could be a great show.
Jay:  I smell Marconi Award!!
Matt:  I think we are ready!!
Jay:  I think we are.

Matt:  One last thing.
Jay:  What’s that?
Matt:  In addition to talking with Candice, we should probably call the South African Embassy.

Jay:  Oh hell yeah…IWS needs to give props to the late, great Mandela.
Matt:  It will be great live radio when we honor his passing.
Jay:  And some people call us scalawags.  Go figure.

Matt:  See you Sunday on the radio Jayman!!
Jay:  Word, and we hope to see all of our vast and diverse World Wide audience as well, as we broadcast Candice the Phone Sex Girl
Matt:  This Sunday…LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.
Jay:  Gonna be hot.
Matt:  Yep, so all y’all...in order to enjoy the IWS Radio hotness this Sunday, click HERE.
.    

Preparing for Winter Storms

Hola y’all! When this post goes live we will be just about halfway through the Great Ice Storm of Death 2013 here in Redneckville. The sleet started around 9 a.m. Thursday morning and continued throughout the day mixed with some freezing rain, drizzle and snow. Sometime in the early morning hours it should change over to snow which will fall all damn day tomorrow. I know you are worried about my well-being, but let me reassure you that so far I am fine. There’s still a long ways to go of course.

As I endure this terrible ordeal it occurred to me that maybe I should help others should they be faced with a life threatening storm too. So, here are the rules of dealing with any Great Ice Storm of Death …

Panic: It’s never too early to panic. In fact, you’re much better off panicking too early than too late. If you wait too late then you are using up the energy you’ll need to survive and that’s no good at all. By panicking early you can make a LOOOOOOOOOOONG grocery list full of stuff that is bad for you and make sure you have enough stuff for dinners to last you well into the next year. It doesn’t matter that you will probably be able to get out of the house in a couple of days. This is no time for reason.

Worry: The more you worry, the less likely it is that things will get really bad. “What will I do if the power goes out and stays out for several days?” is a very common concern. If you worry about it then you will make very elaborate plans for what to do. You will get out a sketch pad and draw up a nifty little freezer made out of the ice and snow complete with the dimensions to make sure it will be big enough. Trust me, this works.

Groceries: Even if your pantry and fridge are full you STILL need some more groceries. You need milk, bread and eggs. Scrambled eggs and toast will provide you with the protein and carbs you need to get through any crisis. While you’re there you should get some comfort food too. You’ll need something to sooth your nerves. Chocolate will do nicely. Maybe something crunchy like Doritos or Cheetos too. Oh and how ‘bout stopping by the Pizza Pizza place and picking up two pepperoni pizzas for around $10. If the power goes out you can have cold pizza for a couple of days.

Alcohol: It’s going to be cold. The power might even go out and it will be even colder! What better way to warm up than with a little nip of some bourbon or scotch or tequila or red wine? NOTHING! Also, the alcohol will help calm your nerves and allow you to deal with the storm in a much more calm and rational manner. Plus, you can get drunk and drunk dial/text/message your friends to help pass the time and avoid boredom.

You do these simple things and you will be full prepared to weather the storm and the aftermath. You can just stay in your home for several days reading, surfing the net and watching movies and football on TV. You will be far less inconvenienced than all those losers who didn’t panic, worry and plan enough. Those poor saps will be out there trying to scrape the ice off their cars then risk their lives to get to Walmart to get beer, wine and cigarettes. And maybe some milk, bread and eggs.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Springfield Icon and Adored Secret Santa, Dead at Age 67

(AP) Springfield, Ohio
Chuck Abernathy, Reporter

“Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many, and his passing will be felt the world 'round.”

That was the comment from one, Dex Lexler.  Mr. Lexler age 51, was a close friend to Springfield, Ohio icon and self-proclaimed Santa, Harley Rusbam, also known as Bagwine Kringle, and more simply, BK.

Mr. Rubsam, 67, of 819 Cedar St., was pronounced dead yesterday at Springfield Regional Medical Center due to an accidental ingestion of fish bones.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves”, Tina Trinity and the aforementioned Mr. Lexlar, were hurriedly wrapping Christmas presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Ms. Trinity and Mr. Dexler selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Bagwine Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone.  When Dexlar and Trinity returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Mr. Lexlar called the paramedics while Tina attempted to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that was described as, “a poorly made Sterno sauce with a stench reminiscent of Steel Reserve urine.”

Although nearing death, Bagwine Kringle was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is, “Bowling Ball.” Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary.  Some women can spread their legs incapably wide, but Tina, she can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or “Sarge”, as BK called him.  Dex was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

True, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. The two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they used to be…or something like that.

When paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his one good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge ‘n’ Tina.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page 

Making Friends and Getting Feedback on Social Media

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Well, I’m back to regular internet activities and it hasn’t taken long for things to get wild and crazy!

I will start by updating folks on my continuing experimentwith Facebook groups. I continue to join different “Let’s Be Friends” and “Add Me” groups and continue to have pretty much the same experience as I had before. I have added several new “friends” though, so that’s cool. There hasn’t been a lot of interaction with any of them, but a couple of them and I have exchanged “likes” on posts and even a couple of “pokes.” So, that’s progress, I guess.

There was one pretty funny situation in one of the groups. A lot of really hot chicks post in these groups because they want to build up thousands of “friends” and “followers” so they can then sell the account to some spammers. It’s always funny to watch lonely middle-aged men fall for this tactic. Well, one woman got tired of her man trying to get with the young babes in these groups and decided to post a warning …

She didn’t know why I found that funny. I told her I hope she could keep her man under control. She basically replied that it isn’t easy cause the women can’t resist him.

There was one other interaction with a lovely lady, or at least someone who set up an account claiming to be a very lovely lady and using someone’s pics. You can never really know, right? Anyway, she sent me a friend request and I accepted. We then had this exchange in chat …

Her: Thanks for accepting.
Me: You’re welcome! Thanks for adding me.
Her: No problem. What are you up to?
Me: Nothing much, just woke up.
Her: Oh really? Do you like to play in the mornings?
Me: Play?
Her: Yes, with me?
Me: Oh no, I gave up Facebook games. They’re a time suck.
Her: Well I was talking about sucking, but not Facebook games.
Me: Uh, okay. I think.
Her: Never mind!

And that’s when she defriended me.  

I had mixed results in another dark corner of the internet this week too. I posted a link to my review of the beautiful and vibrant cityof Omaha, Nebraska over on the r/Omaha board on Reddit. I was hoping that the good folks of Omaha would appreciate my glowing review of their wonderful city and see that I love it as much as they do. Hell, part of me hoped that they might even make me an honorary citizen.

For the most part, they did seem pretty supportive. They appreciated my description of the northern parts of the city and a couple even chuckled, possibly even guffawed, at my description of Omaha drivers. As of the writing of this post, I currently have 41 upvotes and only 14 downvotes. That’s a 75% approval rating and you really can’t ask for much more than that.

Unfortunately, a couple of folks weren’t as enthralled with me and my review as the rest and they chose to let me know about it. Here is a sampling of the negative comments…

- “What a hilariously stupid pile of shit”

- “Whodafuq is this tool and has he ever been to Omaha?”

- “I hardly think Warren Buffett is a cheap skate. Also, the writing of this kept flip-flopping between tedious and too cutesy.”

- “Nice piece on Omaha, but c'mon man...No mention of Marlin Perkins!!?” ßWhat an asshole, amirite?

Okay, so some of those comments hurt just a little. Maybe even a lot. But, just like with the Facebook groups I’m not gonna focus on the mean, hate-filled trolls of the world. I’m gonna focus on the positive people who enjoyed my post and find me pleasant and funny and probably want to be my friend.  

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You

Cheeeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Do you realize what day it is?  It’s exactly three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, and I always observe December 3rd as my…

What Do I Want for Christmas Day!!

Why do I observe such a day three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, you ask?

Well…

Three weeks may be plenty for a normal person to decide what they want for Christmas, but as I am one who procrastinates, that extra day provides me with a much needed buffer between Christmas joy and being left with an empty feeling when I receive nothing but leftover love from my son on Christmas, as Jay and I discussed on Sunday’s, IWS Radio broadcast.

Anyhoo…

If I really were to want something for Christmas, I would want a Grade A microphone/headset combination.  I mean, the one I have is okay, but it sounds “tinny” no matter what adjustments I make to it.  I have a whiny voice to begin with and the tinny sounding microphone doesn't help to improve my voice nor my rep.

New speakers for my computer would be nice as well.  The speakers that I currently have, are getting a little tired.  I think that perhaps, too many Stubby Stonehenge replays through their tiny tweeters and woofers have distorted their sound.  Yeah, new speakers would be nice.

There’s one last thing I would like…okay two actually.

A block of Velveeta “cheese”, and a Cassano’s pizza or sub.

I know…boring, right?

Perhaps to some of the younger hipsters, but I have discovered something as I type this two months shy of my 49th birthday.  As I get older, Christmas means something much different than it did when I was a kid or even ten years ago.

I’m not talking about having a liturgical type of religious experience or anything, but Christmas has become, in a way, a time of year and day, that as my age rears its ugly head, a time that I also recognize all of the old friendships that grace my life.

The first time that Christmas made me feel old was about ten years ago.  My mom called me and asked what I would like for Christmas.  I didn't ask for a cool and hip toy, game, or latest what have ya like I did when I was a kid.  Noooooooo…I said to Mom…

“I could really use some new socks, or maybe a new white dress shirt, or a tie.”

IKR?  That’s pretty sexy.  Nearly as sexy as wanting a block of Velveeta or a Cassano’s pizza, but here’s the thing.

As I get older, if someone asks me what I would like for Christmas, it is always something I need, because as for me, the excitement of Christmas has become not the gift, but the rekindling and reconnecting with people that I like and I love.

My favorite part of Christmas is going to my brother’s house on Christmas Eve and partying with my family, all the while exchanging gift cards that we would probably buy ourselves for ourselves, and then…

Spending Christmas Day with Schmoop as we play music, eat way too much, drink way too much, and laugh way too much (if that’s possible) all damn day.

I don’t believe that Christmas as observed is the actual day of the birth of Jesus, and I do believe that if Christ were alive today, he would be appalled by its celebration, but I do think one thing.

Be it a hoax, a religious event, a secularist party, or just another day on the calendar, Christmas is an excellent time and/or excuse to reconnect with, and drunk dial those you love.

And if that’s all Christmas truly is, I like that…a lot.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page    

Exotic and Mysterious Omaha Nebraska

Located on a bend in the Missouri River on the far eastern edge of Nebraska and spreading out across the windswept plains of the great American Midwest farmland is one of the more surprising cities in the U.S. Omaha is home to around 450,000 of the most sensible, decent and friendliest people you’ll ever meet.

Over the past half-century or so Omaha has transformed itself from a small cow town that was home to the largest stockyards in the world to a surprisingly ethnically and racially diverse (Omaha gave us both Gerald Ford and Malcolm X, how opposite are those two?) modern American city that is home to such “old economy” giants as Union Pacific Railroad and ConAgra Foods and “new economy” companies like Ameritrade and Pay Pal. It’s also home to the Gallup Corp and is a major insurance center. At the top of the heap is, of course Berkshire Hathaway. The company founded by one of the richest men in the world (and notorious cheapskate) Warren Buffett.

The ethnic diversity, led by the influx of immigrants from Europe and then African Americans is part of what gives Omaha its flavor. The north side with its Little Italy, Greek Town and other ethnic neighborhoods, is the center of that diversity. This has also resulted in a rather astonishing 700 plus restaurants, pubs and specialty markets scattered throughout the city.

Omaha also does not disappoint in the area of cultural activities either. From the Omaha Symphony to numerous concerts and sporting events to the largest community theater in the country, founded in part by Marlon Brando’s mother (who encouraged a teenage Henry Fonda to go into acting when he was performing in plays at the Omaha Community Playhouse), there is always something going on there. In addition to that there is the North Omaha Music Scene known for its rich history of jazz and blues music.

Just south of the downtown area is Offutt Air Force Base. Offutt is the longtime home of the Strategic Air Command and the 55th Wing. The wing’s mission is to provide worldwide reconnaissance, real-time intelligence, command and control, information warfare and combat support to U.S. leaders and commanders. These are the men and women who stood watch over this big, fat, dumb, happy country throughout the darkest days of the cold war and continue to do so today in the Global War on Terror™. It’s also home to the Strategic Air Command Museum.

Now I know what you are saying. You’re saying “We are talking about Nebraska here, right? The state that gave us Larry the Cable Guy? The state with miles and miles and miles of corn fields? The state where they brag that ‘there’s nothing between us and the arctic circle but four barbed wire fences and some moose’?”

Yup, that state.

Oh sure, the weather there pretty much sucks. Their only two seasons are tornado and blizzard. Most of the drivers slow down when approaching intersections even if the light is green, because IT MIGHT turn yellow and it would be rude to run a yellow light. And the drivers maintain a reasonable speed of 44.9 miles per hour when the speed limit is 45 on a wide open road because “it was set at 45 for a reason and that’s the safe speed.” And Omaha is a place where wearing a Hawaiian shirt would be considered a bit showy.

If you’ve never been to the American Midwest it’s really hard to explain it to you. They’re just different there. They believe that local is better and do their best to hold national chains at arm’s length. Seriously, why is that people go on vacation and eat at the same national chains that they eat at when they are home? You guys do realize that those places suck, right? Applebees, Chilis, TGIF McFunsters, whatever. They are the scourge of the American culinary scene. Not to mention the fact that Omaha is a city that believes that sure there’s lots of unique dining experiences available to you and some really fancy gourmet places, but sometimes it’s okay to just go out and get a really good, juicy steak cooked medium rare and some potatoes with none of those boring vegetables to get in the way.

Anyway, it’s kind of nice to know that the Midwest is still there and it really hasn’t changed all that much. There’s genuineness to the place and the people there. Residents of Omaha are quick with a smile and a good firm handshake. And when they look you in the eye and ask you how you are doing, they really want to know HOW you are doing. And people who believe that it’s okay to just be a regular person. And, you know what? They may be onto something there.

So, if you ever get the chance to travel through the Midwest, don’t just race through. Take some time to stop and meet the locals and look around. You might be pleasantly surprised with what you find.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS 

In other news, IWS Radio made its triumphant return on Sunday after a week off and it was a doozy! Matt and Jay talked about their Thanksgiving experiences. Jay with all of his all-natural organic turkey and side items and Matt with his highly processed turkey and canned and boxed sides. Also, Jay talked about the car trouble he experienced on his way to Omaha.

Then it came time to enter into battle in the War on Christmas. Matt and Jay took sides with, well, both sides kind of. Mostly they agreed that they don’t understand it. Also chiming in was Paul Piatt, Rev Moneymaker, Bobby Kraft, Joey Goodbar and we got a Black Friday report from Dusty Sandman. Plus our favorite Canadian Jamie called in! Check it out! 

New Comedy Podcasts with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Radio is Tan, Rested, and Ready!!

Theyyyyyyyyyyy're Back!!

That's right folks...after taking a week off during the Thanksgiving season in order to spend time with those who can most tolerate them, Jay and Matt are back!!

And.........!!

THE Number Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio airs LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio gang, kick off the holiday season by bringing you...

War on Christmas 2013:  Rise of the Tinsel!!

Join IWS Radio today as the dynamic duo breaks down this season's yuletide battle plans, gives the low down on the holiday season thus far, mocks Gretchen Carlson, and gives honor and glory to the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Rev. Moneymaker, Paul Piatt, and a cast of thousands will be on hand to help Jay and Matt capture the blow by blow carnage of this year's War on Christmas.

All of that plus your phone calls TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio.  To catch all of the socio-religious military action LIVE, click HERE.