The Sarah Palin Channel is Here!! My Life is Complete!!

Hi gang.  Sarah Palin here and it is a beautiful Thursday here in the greatest country in the world, Alaska.

I am coming to you here on this page of the IWS Radio website pages because Jay and Matt were thankfully enough to offer me the opportunity to promote my new online TV channel called the…

Sarah Palin Channel.

I am super excited to be hosting a streaming online and unfiltered news show online as we cut through the unmanly crap and political correctness of the lame stream media.

Folks from NBC to Fox News could never get along with my hard hitting and rogue style of telling it how it is, so I am sticking this hockey mom’s middle finger into their eye by creating my own subscription network.

If it’s a good enough way to go for my pal Glenn Beck over at The Blaze Radio and TV Network, it’s good enough for this mama bear.  Amirite!?

Anyhoo…So I have started my own network and you can subscribe to it for only $9.95 a month or go rogue and get an entire year of me and insights for a mere $99.95, because unlike all of those krony kapitolists in Washington, I am always trying to save Jack and Jill America, some jack!!  Ha, see what I did there!?

I will cover the news events of the day for our subscribers as best as I know how.  Which means…You will hear information and my analysis that is one-of-kind, unique, and sooey generous.  And folks…

In addition to hard-hitting news and opinion we will offer you reports as to what makes America great, personal stories of true American patriots, and intimate looks into the happy and God-purposed life that fills the Palin household.

We also plan to branch out as soon as those subscriptions come rolling in, and several new Sarah Palin Network shows and even movies are on the drawing board as we speak.

Teenagers from Alaska, to Hawaii, to the 48 continuous states will love our religious-based sex education show, “Re-discover Abstinence Through an Unplanned Pregnancy with Bristol Palin Sponsored by Bartles and Jaymes.”

We plan to hire Newt Gingrich and S.E. Cupp away from CNN, add Alan Colmes to the mix, and produce a political roundtable show called, “Spineless Liberal Caught in a Crossfire.”

Knowing that people need a break from the day to day insanity and violence that in we now live, we will also offer some lighter shows.

You think your marriage is bad?  You don’t how bad marriage can be until you see that sometimes it comes down to who is going to cut the fire wood for the evening, that’s why we are producing, “The Real Housewives of Nome.”  Funny has never been so cold.

And ladies…We have a special show for you…My first dude Todd will oil up and play beach volleyball with Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, and Anthony Edwards every week as the Sarah Palin Channel airs, “The Angry Sands of Anchorage Bay.”

And our first movie is scheduled for a July 2015 release, and it‘s called…Roots 2008: The Rise of the Manchurian Kenyan.  I can’t tell you what it is all about , but I know that you will be SHOCKED!!

Anyhoo…I hope you will subscribe and join my new network, because America and Americans such as yourself need me more than ever, and?  I need you more than ever, because the speaking fees just aren’t cutting it any longer.

God Bless you if you subscribe and God Bless America!!

Sarah

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So What Else is In the News?

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news …

- ESPN said they will not take disciplinary action* against on-air talent Stephen A. Smith after his offensive comments about women provoking domestic violence. Instead the network will punish Smith by forcing him to continue to have to work with Skip Bayless every weekday.

- Whoopie Goldberg said on ABC’s “The View” that people often believe they have some special right to tough or grab celebrities and that just isn’t right. In response to Goldberg’s comment, co-host Jenny McCarthy spent the rest of the show holding a finger two inches from Whoopie saying “I’m not touching youuuuuuuu …. I’m not touching youuuuuuuu.”

- A new poll shows that 86.5% of Israelis don’t want a ceasefire and want the IDF to continue its assault on Gaza. Further questioning found that most of people simply want it all done before the NFL season starts in September.

- This one time … at band camp … The director of the Ohio State marching band was treating band members horribly, berating them, calling them names, threatening them and knew about, but did nothing to stop a “highly sexualized culture” inside the band and … and … GOT HIS ASS FIRED FOR IT.

- Controversy erupted last week as Arizona became the latest state to botch an execution. Witnesses say that Joseph Wood “gasped and snorted” for more than an hour after the lethal injection chemicals were administered. When asked for comment governor Jan Brewer said “To be fair, I was gasping and snorting too. I mean, the whole thing was really pretty hilarious.”

- LeBron James announced that he will be going back to his old number 23 which he wore during his first stint with Cleveland. Former NBA great Michael Jordan announced the gives James his blessing to wear the number 23. Upon hear that, James said “Uh, yeah, that’s nice since nobody asked you.”

- On Sunday the New York Times editorial board came out in favor of the legalization of marijuana. The initial draft included a section that was not printed that basically said “Ohhhhhh these cupcakes are soooooooo good!! OHMYGOD! Maureen Dowd you gotta sprinkle some of that Cheetos dust on the vanilla cupcakes! It’s magical! Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh DOOOOOOOOD!”

- The White House is said to be “fuming” over Israel’s criticisms of Secretary of State John Kerry. Actually, they’re just embarrassed because it all started with the standard “Why the long face John?” Then it turned out his feelings had actually been hurt by Israel and now everyone feels bad.

- A new recommendation this week says that Orthodox Jews with herpes should stop applying “direct oral suction” to baby’s penises during the traditional bris. After reading this report another group recommended this week that NOBODY apply “direct oral suction” to ANY baby’s penis at any time.

- A Ukrainian woman named Ekaterima Parkhomento posted selfies on her Instagram this week claiming to be wearing eye liner she looted from the wreckage of fight MH17. While most people were outraged by Ekaterima’s actions they mostly all agreed that she looked really great and could totally be a model.

- Fox News reported this week that “illegal immigrants protest outside White House, with little fear of repercussions.” Said Fox News president Roger Ailes “it’s almost like this has become a free country with some kind of silly right to petition the government or something.”

- Former Ohio governor Ted Strickland tried to live on minimum wage for a week and found that he couldn’t do it. In his official statement Strickland said “Thank God this was just a political stunt and I’m not really poor cause that would suck so hard.”

- And finally Sarah Palin launched her very own internet channel this week. This will allow Sarah’s followers and fans unfiltered access to all her thoughts and opinions on the big issues of the day. The cost for access to the new channel is $99.95 a year or $9.95 a month. When asked about the pricing plan a spokesperson for Palin said “Let’s be honest here, given her history I would go with the monthly plan if I were you.”

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*Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, they suspended him for a whole week. Whatever! I’m not letting that ruin a good Skip Bayless joke.