Holaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! I’ve got nothing which means it’s time yet again for some Headlines!! Please try to contain your excitement. Thanks.
- Desperate for work of any kind washed up crooner Harry Connick Jr. agrees to be a cohost on American Idol.
- Area man announces he “let loose” with his “loudest burp ever” over the weekend.
- Microsoft bans “can you hear me now” jokes after making offer to buy Nokia. “That’s Verizon you stupid hacks” CEO Ballmer tweets.
- Dakota Johnson and Charlie Hunnam set to play lead roles in the movie version of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” “I can’t wait to beat the hell outta Dakota and abuse her” said Hunnam.
- Diana Nyad swims from Cuba to Key West, Florida. Realizes she forgot her passport and had to swim back to get it.
- Texans reward defensive standout Brian Cushing with six year contract extension. “Steroids are fucking great!” proclaimed Cushing.
- Keith Olbermann schedules HUGE meltdown over his ESPN 2 show being bumped by late-running sporting events for the middle of October.
- President Obama to seek okay from congress on Syria. “They’ll do the right thinAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Sorry, I couldn’t quite get that out with a straight face” said Obama.
- 45 year old white man living in America doesn’t understand why people think his love for K-Pop is creepy
- Area liberal panicking as Obamacare starts to take hold. “I figured he would lose in 2012 and it would be repealed so I would always have the fake moral high ground.” Said the distraught blue collar worker.
- Pre-Microwaved fish from Japan known as FukuSushi all the rage at hipster restaurants in NYC.
- Oakland Raiders struggle to find enough guys willing to play for them to fill 53 man roster.
- Taylor Swift working on new song about how disappointed she is in herself for using “the F-word” at VMAs.
- LeBron James producing sitcom where an NBA star’s 45 year old mother is dating a 31 year old rapper nobody has ever heard of.
- John McCain mocked for playing poker on his iPhone during Syria hearings, drawing to an inside straight.
- Area woman wants to watch popular TV and NetFlix shows but doesn’t want to give up feeling of smug superiority.
- Area man arrested while riding his John Deere mower down Main Street while naked at 3 am and trying to shoot out street lights while singing “All My Rowdy Friends Have Settled Down.” Police say alcohol MIGHT have been involved.
Okay, that’s enough. I’ve got things to do.
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