Hola y’all! As you probably know by now, the US men’s and women’s curling teams are a combined 0-5 at the Sochi Olympics. This is unacceptable. Obviously curling needs to be saved and quickly! This morning Matt-Man and I discussed the idea of an Olympic Bikini Curling League with Chrissy Teigen as the team captain, but she never responded on Twitter so that’s probably out. However, I do think I have an idea how to save curling in America.
We should make a fun movie about curling! You know, one of those “triumph of the human spirit” type movies. A uniquely American story where a guy overcomes a bunch of obstacles in his life, pulls himself up by his bootstraps and not only makes curling popular, but turns America in a world curling powerhouse. As we should be!
Our main character is a sad man who hasn’t really accomplished anything in life other than be elected as the mayor of Paducah, Kentucky. At first I thought of Matt Damon in this role, but I don’t think he’s that kind of guy. So, Kevin James it is! Of course, he needs a wife. The only logical person that a socially awkward overweight failed businessman who is elected mayor of a small town on the Ohio River could be married to would be played by Priyanka Chopra, right?
If you’re gonna have a simple, lovable mayor try to fulfill his dream of turning Paducah into the curling capital of the world and make it a tourist attraction then you have to have an evil enemy who wants to scuttle the whole thing for his own financial gain. That cruel, greedy and all-around sleazy guy will be played by Tom Hanks, of course.
Every evil man must be married to an equally evil, scheming and conniving cunt of a wife. Gwenyth Paltrow is perfect for this role. She could just play herself, right? No effort at all. But, I don’t want to give her that easy money opportunity. So, the only other option here is Sandra Bullock.
Basically Paducah, Kentucky is a poor, economically depressed town with no future and Mayor Kevin James has a plan to save the town by building the biggest curling center in the world. People are skeptical and Tom Hanks takes advantage of this and tries to get Kevin James recalled. If his evil plan works, Hanks could be mayor and take big kickbacks from coal and oil interests and possibly run for governor and then president someday.
It looks bleak for Mayor James and his young exotic wife when a miracle happens! America’s greatest curler shows up in town one day and is interested in his plan. The curler, played by Jared Leto loves it and brings in all kinds of fundraising from socially and environmentally aware groups and the recall fails!
Then the curling center is built and on opening day people come from all over the world to check it out. All the big sports cable networks are there and all are bidding big money to televise tournaments from the Paducah Curling Center and God Bless America!
It could totally work y’all! I bet it would … SWEEP … the Oscars! Hey-OOOO!!!
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